The Golden Years Myth

In my practice as an estate planning and elder law attorney I served clients planning for the end. As in death.

Although I had clients of all ages, most people scheduled appointments closer to the end of their lives -- with an urgency to “get this taken care of in case I die.” Spoiler alert – none of us get out of here alive, whether you have signed your Will or not.

They were typically concerned with not leaving a mess for their family and wanted to make sure it was clear who was to receive the family rocking chair. Some folks I got to know well, while others kept it strictly business.

I bore witness to many regrets spoken at my conference room table – the broken family relationships, the trips not taken, the investments gone belly up. I also saw the pain suffered when a diagnosis crushed the “retirement dream” our culture had promised.

The business of death pulled their life into sharp focus.

Because the attorney-client relationship includes confidentiality, many clients shared intimate details of their lives, some tragic, some poetic. A box of tissues sat on our conference room table. I didn’t mind connecting with my clients and listening to their stories, sometimes I enjoyed it, but more often I left the room a bit depressed.

So many people in this country and culture are living for the dream of retirement.

We are taught to focus on certainty and obtain security. Plan for imagined circumstances and pay our dues now so we can live the “good life” later.

So many people are focused on tomorrow that today is already forgotten.

But I saw that the “golden years” aren’t certain. I literally dealt with death, disability and disease everyday. I didn’t want to miss my life and end up looking back, wondering where it all went.

It made me anxious. A lot. Then, I heard that the antidote for anxiety is curiosity.

So, I thought what about NOW? How do we stop living for an unpromised future and create a life that brings us peace, satisfaction, and joy TODAY?

Most of us don’t even know where to start. I didn’t. When I finally gave myself a few hours to sit quietly and ask myself what I wanted in the present moment I had no clue.

Turns out, I had been so busy building my life that I didn’t even know what I enjoyed about it.

I knew what I did NOT want – unrealized dreams and regret. Coming up with what I DID want took some more digging.

I did a few things to find out:

• Literally wrote a list of things I liked. It sounds so juvenile, but it helped me identify themes within my true nature. Some entries were super simple — I like being outside.

• Took inventory of my daily activities, obligations, work, and relationships. I reviewed my calendar and paid attention to what feelings and sensations arose when I took time to focus on that item. How did my body feel? What thoughts came up? When I reviewed volunteering at an event at my kid’s school, I felt heavy and tired, but when I thought about taking a walk with my kid, I felt light and peaceful.

• Noticed when I enjoyed an activity or event and identified WHY I felt that way. It was my own personal debrief. I found that when I collaborated with a team, specifically a group of women, I felt energized and motivated. I loved the connection, collective support, and momentum created in those situations. It was helpful for me to pinpoint exactly what gave me the energy in that situation so that I could replicate it with my commitments moving forward.

• Asked myself questions like:

  • If I had the freedom, I would _____________.

  • If I knew I would succeed, I would ____________.

  • If money were no object, I would ____________.

  • If the opinions of others didn’t matter, I would ____________.

Asking myself these questions made me a bit giddy with possibility. If I can’t take a month to traverse the Italian coast right now, at least I know that I want to. And now that I know what I want, I can start scheming as to how to do it!

Engaging in these exercises gave me the space to envision and bring attention to the changes I wanted (needed) to make in my life.

As a result, I felt more grounded in the present and in tune with the joyful moments in my life. Identifying what I truly wanted helped push me out of my comfort zone and take risks that I may not have considered before.

If you want it, go after it.

Don’t leave regrets on someone’s conference table. Don’t wait for the golden years.