Are you feeling lost, disheartened, or disconnected? Are you questioning something you once held as absolute truth? Feeling out of your element in a new city, new job, new relationship? Looking around and wondering how the hell you got here?

Buckle up, you just hopped on the wild ride of change.

 

Back in 2020, that gloriously terrible year, the space time continuum of my very regimented and outwardly successful life was ripped to shreds. Yes, Covid was partly to blame, but there were other transgressions, disasters and personal earthquakes that added fuel to a dumpster fire that burned well into 2022. That period, aka the Dark Times, marked a death (or a murder depending on my mood) of an identity.  Yet, it also marked a rebirth – of me.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there was no moment of enlightenment or singing angels. In fact, I spent most of that time slogging through my days and then wrapping myself in blankets at night just to survive. It wasn’t pretty and I wouldn’t wish myself back there.

 

With the Dark Times in my rear view it feels reductive to say “without those terrible experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.”  Congratulations, I guess? Believe me, the Dark Times sucked and I certainly wasn’t grateful for who I was becoming while the pillars of certainty in my life crumbled and blew away.  But I absolutely do not miss the person I was before it all turned to ash.

 

In hindsight it is simpler to romanticize the earthquakes, scorching, and crumbling as the necessary catalysts to spark new creation. And, while that may be true, it can be immensely disorienting and painful to sit inside the chemistry of change.

 

Change begins in numerous ways. It may be the death of someone or something, a choice we felt necessary to make, or it may be that one day you take a long look in the mirror and wonder who is staring back. This, my friends, is how change begins. Like Benjamin Button, it starts at the end. Remember that ugly old man baby that gradually transforms into Brad Pitt? Although change may appear attractive at times, it is more often a whiny, homely baby that we must deal with.

 

How do I deal with it? How can I wrangle this confusing mess and get more Brad Pitt in my life?

 

Good news. You can do this and you can do it like a boss.

 

If you want to reduce the chaos of change you must accept that there is a pattern to processing it. You have heard of the stages of grief, but have you heard of the Change Cycle?

 

The beauty of the Change Cycle is that it can be applied to just about any change you are experiencing – whether it is switching from regular to decaf (which I am currently Square 1-ing and it sucks) or the grand scale shake up of changing careers.

 

I like Martha Beck’s description of the Change Cycle.  Martha separates the Change Cycle into four squares – 

Square 1: Death and Rebirth; 

Square 2: Dreaming and Scheming; 

Square 3: The Hero’s Saga, and 

Square 4: the Promised Land. 

She has a fantastic graphic and description of the Change Cycle on her website: https://marthabeck.com/change/

 

That tragedy, unexpected event, big shift, or gradual disassociation you experienced is actually the beginning. 

 

Welcome to Square 1, Friend. 

 

Within Square 1 life can feel hugely crappy, very cloudy, and utterly confusing. Martha likens it to a caterpillar building a cocoon and then dissolving inside it. The caterpillar is no longer and never will be. So, if you find yourself in the proverbial dark, confused, and perhaps a wee bit pissed that a part of your life has dissolved and will never be the same, you may be sitting inside the cocoon of Square 1. 

 

What to do?  First off, don’t resist it and try to force your way out -- that never ends well. Instead, give yourself grace and comfort. Wrap up in your own figurative cocoon of a cozy blanket, practice a ritual that brings a moment of peace, or give yourself a reward for just getting through the day. Stew in your own melted existence.  

 

If you want to complete Square 1 of the Change Cycle you must allow yourself to feel whatever is swirling and admit that you are lost. That is okay. Truly. Have patience with yourself.  Take the space inside Square 1 to ask tough questions, reflect on stories you may have believed, and to get in tune with your body.  Amazing things will start to happen as you strip off some layers and begin to realign with your true authentic self. 

It isn’t easy, but it is worth it. Trust me, Square 2 is a lot more fun.

 

And when it feels most crappy just imagine that old baby dude transforming into the hot, young, pre-Angelina Brad Pitt – now that is some good-looking hope.